Insomniac
by themanemmaloves
Summary: Captain Swan angst. Well, mostly Killian angst but anyway, hope you like it. SPOILER ALERT! Contains finale spoilers.


Insomniac

_I have absolutely no idea what in the hell is this, I'm just practicing for the upcoming essays and also I wanted to write something from Killian's point of view cause I realized most of my fics are Emma centred. Pure angst based off my theory Anyways, I hope you enjoy it_.

_**Warning: contains spoilers for the finale.**_

* * *

Killian flipped his pillow again for God knows which time tonight. His hands were shaking and he was freezing.

_Should've probably closed the bloody window. _He thought.

He was just too tired to get up. Or simply uninterested to. Honestly he didn't know. But the one thing he did know was that he missed her. He missed her more then any existing word could describe.

Since Emma's sacrifice, Killian's been doing the worst. Snow and Charming had each other for support, Henry had them and Regina and Killian? He had them, or at least he would've had them if he didn't pull away from everyone. He knew Snow and Charming would support him, they knew how much he loves Emma... But Killian couldn't do it.

He couldn't bare walking into their apartment and sit on the couch and not excpect Emma to be sitting right next to him.

He couldn't bare walking into the Granny's and not feel the urge to order grilled cheese for her.

He couldn't bare opening the door to his ship and to see someone else but her on the other side.

He couldn't bare turning around in his bed and not see her there with him... Holding his hand with her lips pressed gently against his chest.

He just couldn't bare missing her this bloody damned much.

Emma Swan sacrificed herself for the sake of the town. She sacrificed herself so everyone else could stay safe and have the possibility of their happy ending.

Killian rememberred that damned night perfectly. Every second of it.

He remeberred the exact way he pulled Emma towards him when she decided what she was going to do. He rememberred the exact way her hand felt under his... The exact way her warm breath touched his cold face... And then the way she put his hand on her heart.

'Killian, there is no other way. You know I have todo this.' She whispered.

He rememberred the way he begged for her to stay. How she didn't have to do this. But once Emma decides something, there was no way of stopping her.

Then she leaned her forhead against his, not removing his hand for even a second, and then said

'I need you to remember something... I love you, and I will find my way back to you, OK?'

Then she looked at her parents and Henry and said

'Take care of them.'

He continued begging for her to stay but she didn't change her mind. Instead she pushed him away from her and raised the dagger above her head. When he yelled for the last time, Emma was already gone.

His words repeated themselves in his head to the point it became physically painful. He buried his head into her pillow and let out a scream which got followed by a stream of tears.

Killian hasn't slept in 5 days. The only time he would go out was at night, only outside to the docks to sit on the cold ground and look up into the stars. It reminded him of the night he and Emma sat out here, in each others arms, staring at the sky. He would look at the empty spot beside him and every night deluded himself she'll be there. And she never was.

He remeberred how he was telling her his stories from the navy and stories of Liam and how she just listened to them, rememberring every word he said and asked him more and more questions.

He rememberred pulling her closer when she shivered and didn't want to go inside. He took of his jacket and wrapped it around her as well. She placed her head into his lap and he played with her hair, admiring her perfect sincere smile and continuing to tell her stories until she was too tired and fell asleep.

He didn't have the strength to wake her up and ruin the sleepy smile she had on her face so he carried her inside and put her on his bed and then he fell asleep on his couch. In the morning he woke up to Emma cooking him breakfast and in the evening she came back to the ship for the most mind-blowing night of her life.

Those were the most _perfect_ two days of his entire life.

He barely ate, barely drank anything but rum... Even that damned bottle of his reminded him of her.

Reminded him of the first time they shared the drink. Reminded him of the time on the beanstalk when he cleaned her wound with the rum. Reminded him of the time they all drank the rum before she kissed him for the first time. Reminded him of the time he offered her a drink after she had a bad day... It was all too much.

All he wanted was to sleep. And all he did was stay up every night rememberring every time he touched her and every time they talked and every time they looked at each other. He completely lost all track of time. He just sat up in his bad and stared blank, his mind only focused on Emma. Within a few weeks, it became a normal thing to him – the not sleeping, he accepted it as a new normal part of his life.

There was always a part of him that worried too much.

What if she wasn't alive? What if she is somewhere alone again? What if she is hurt? What if she is dying? What if she is being tortured? What if she cold and starved and scared?

What if she _doesn't come back to him_?

What if this time she couldn't keep her promise and they won't see each other ever again? What if this means he'll never hear her smile again? Or that he will never be able to touch her again? Or that he'll never be able to hold her an wipe away her tears when needed? Or to kiss her again? Or, the worst of all... what if he'll never get a chance to say it back?

She told him she loved him and he was too occupied with trying to get her to stay to say anything else. What if she didn't know that? What if she is somewhere out there, _God knows where_, and is thinking about him not saying 'I love you' back?

Killian had too many questions and every answer he could come up with, led to increasement of presuare in his chest and the impaling feeling that was killing him.

Did it happen again? Did he truly lose _another love_?

One small part of him, the one lonely part that held hope, constantly told him it will all be OK. That Emma will be OK and that she will come back.

And yet, every other part of him was convinced it was all over. That she was gone forever and that he'll never see her again.

_'Take care of them...'_

He didn't keep his promise to her. _God_ he felt like such a failure.

Maybe a bit of interaction, with someone other then himself or the wall he punched multiple times, could be healthy.

He picked up the pen Emma left in his room when she was sleeping over and finishing some paper work and just stared at it for a second.

„I'll keep my promise and you keep yours, alright Swan?"

Then he put it in his pocket.

'Please come back to me, love.'

He thought one last time before taking a deep breath and walking out of his cabin - heading towards the Charmings. Who knows? Maybe they needed him too.

* * *

Not a big fan of this so definitely not continuing.


End file.
